Drunk Friends: Part Two

Check out Drunk Friends: Part One before reading this!

26. The munchies drunk: no, high people, you are not the only one with munchies. Drunk people get them too! If you are hosting a party, account for these people. They will eat you out of house and home, so hide your cheetos, and hide your fruit snacks, because they coming fo’ you!

27. The Gretchen Wieners drunk: YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US. This is the drunk that will not let you talk to their friends. They are mildly aggressive, considerably rude, and generally ruthless to anyone trying to hangout with them or their friends at the party. They become overly jealous if you try to hang out with someone else and you are their BFF, and will publicly shame and ridicule you until you go away if your presence is not desired.

28. The gullible drunk: the name says it all.

29. The dancing drunk: life is a party, so whether or not there is music this person will always be dancing. They are typically friendly and good to have around at weddings and other large social gatherings where a lot of the people do not know each other.

30. The aggressive drunk: PARTY KILLER. Do not invite them to your wedding, the bride could end up with a black eye from a stray elbow. This person is always starting problems and gets in a person’s face for the dumbest of reasons. They may not be the first to throw a punch, but they are the reason the punch was thrown. They ruin EVERYTHING. Police and the hospital usually have to be brought in and it makes everything a mess. They are the twin brother to the mean drunk, but are overtly hostile, while the mean drunk can simply spread gossip to make you cry.

31. The singing/rapping drunk: best friend to the dancing drunk this person has a song to share with the world. They can mess up lyrics, miss notes, and ruin a great song, but they are also the first person in the friend group to memorize Red Solo Cup, so at least there’s that… who knows, maybe your group was blessed with a Beyonce or Eminem, or maybe just a Sanjaya… This person is can be either a blessing or a curse.

32. The BFF drunk: They drape their arm over your shoulder and buy you a beer. While their company may be less than desirable, that beer they just bought you sure does look nice. The only person they fear is Gretchen Wieners.

33. The shit-starting drunk: remember when I told you the aggressive drunk and the mean drunk were twins? Well, they have a little brother who really likes to start shit. This person is instrumental in starting fights and can rile up aggressive drunk, but you will never see them at the end of a fight, or if you do they are unscathed and probably smirking. It doesn’t matter if you are their best friend or a stranger, this person just wants to antagonize people just to watch what happens next.

34. The philosophical drunk: this hippee has all the answers to the world’s problems. They try to solve whatever issue THEY think YOU might have in YOUR LIFE. GET OUT OF MY LIFE! YOU DON’T KNOW ME. As you can tell, I do not care for this person. I am trying to play beer pong, so no, I really do not want to talk about free and fair trade and how it impacts the economy and the environment. Find me when I am sober!

35. The “undefeated” drunk: quarters, funneling, jenga, presidents and assholes, categories: you name a drinking game, they have never lost at it even if you beat them a couple weeks ago. Do not confuse this person with “shit starting” this drunk just lives in perpetual ignorant bliss. You may get annoyed with them, but they are already so drunk they forgot last weekend.

36. The “master of ceremonies” drunk: Also me. This is my favorite type of drunk. They introduce new party games (true american, tipsy land (a new way to play candy-land with rules I can post if you want to play it)). They love to host parties, and are usually the first to suggest one for any occasion. Getting married? Party. Break-up? Party. Lost a toenail? Party. They also create rooms and tables dedicated for partying. See that beer pong table up top? I made that with ceiling pant, four piece of ply wood, some screws, hinges, and paint. This person is a master of DIY and creating awesome parties, but if you mess with their parties or were not suppose to be there to begin with, they will quickly turn on you, which you probably deserve…

37. The wine drunk: they are better than you.

38: The freshmen drunk: this is the spawn of one-and-done drunk and sick drunk. They don’t know their limits, the pretend their drunk before they are drunk, but once they get drunk it comes on so fast that they get sick. Pace and moderation are not in their vocabulary.

39. The jelloshot drunk: here’s what happens when you eat your alcohol – you eat a whole lot and don’t feel anything until 20 minutes later when you look like the freshmen drunk, sound like the slurred drunk, and plant yourself on the ground like the sitting drunk. The difference between freshmen and jello-shot drunk is knowledge. Jelloshot knows why they are drunk and they hate themselves for it, because THEY KNOW BETTER. Don’t be jelloshot drunk. You are better than that.

40. The split personality drunk: One minute they are your best friend, the next minute they have you in a choke hold and are pissed, then they are upset because they love you and didn’t mean to hurt you, then they are screaming at you blaming you for all their problems, then they are apologizing because they didn’t mean it…. and then the cycle repeats. This friend is terrifying. Leave them at home.

41. The old-man drunk: this person is a professional drinker, and hates n00bs. Get off their lawn, and stop messing with their shit. Accept that you are the worst, and that they are right. Let the old man be (the old man drunk can also be a woman, so don’t get it twisted)!

42. The panic attack drunk: shit. shit. shit. shit. shit. man. shit. This is the vocabulary used to identify the panic attack drunk. The world is ending. They are sister to the sad drunk, only filled with fear, because something may have gone wrong, something may be about to go wrong, or the police showed up and you have a minor in your house. This person is good for sounding the alarm, but be careful, because they could just be causing stress that is not needed.

43. The world is a toilet drunk: Festival pro, house party nightmare, the world is a toilet drunk pisses everywhere. They break the seal early on in the night and then pee on everything. The lawn, the couch, the bed, their pants, the tent, the car, the door, the shower, the toilet seat… the list goes on, because the world is their toilet. I get it when you are our camping and the closest toilet is a quarter-mile hike. I barely can sprint through a store in time when I have to go while I am sober, but really!? THE BED!? You aren’t three anymore. Get it together.

44. The motherly drunk (aka the keeper): the person who holds your hair back, the person who listens to you cry, the person who gets you a blanket, the person who takes off your shoes… this is the person to keep around. They always have your back and listen to your shit because a) they care or b) they are just a really good glazed drunk. Either way, you love them and need them in your life. (Mother can also be a guy)

45. The stumbling drunk: they will be locked up for public intoxication. Easy to spot, they are running into things and look like Bambi when he first started to walk. Just try and stop them from wrecking things, or becoming their little brother (world is a toilet drunk). This person can also quickly change into their daughter, the lost drunk, so keep an eye on them so they don’t wander too far.

46. The hair-whipping drunk: dancing and singing drunks have a great friend in the hair whipping drunk. For some reason, hair flipping is an excellent way celebrate intoxication. This person does not care how short or long there hair it, they are going to whip their hair, and they can feel every strand moving in the wind. They may look like dancing drunk, but they only move their head, usually leaned back.

47. The creep drunk: DO NOT CONFUSE THEM WITH QUIET OR GLAZED DRUNK. This perv serves up an unappetizing cocktail of whore drunk mixed with roofies. They typically mark their prey and bombard them all night until they get their way. There is no physical way to tell if someone is a creep. They could look like Tom Brady/Giselle Bündchen or John C. Reilly/Jocelyn Wildenstein, it really doesn’t matter, what matters is that they will not cease until you leave or give in. RUN. RUN FOR THE HILLS. You don’t want to be skinned and worn as a coat, do you!? GET. OUT.

48. The wingman drunk: Use this person to keep the creep drunk at bay, while also trying to find yourself true love. The person knows the game of flattery and does whatever it will take to make sure that you go home with a 10 not a 2. The have the gift of seeing beyond the beer goggles that you wear, and help navigate through crowds of trolls. They are an essential friend. If you don’t have a friend like this, get one immediately, and no, you cannot have mine.

49. The denial drunk: As Ron from Jersey Shore said, “DENY! DENY! DENY!” Whatever you think they did, they didn’t do it, you will know this by their consistent need to deny that they even went out (dude, you smell like a mini-bar). Brother of the storytelling drunk, and father to the I’m not that drunk drunk, this person denies everything while and after being drunk. I didn’t do that, it wasn’t me, their lying, do you really think I would do that? Yes, I do think you would do that BECAUSE I JUST SAW YOU DO IT! They will swear on anyone’s life that they speak the gospel truth, but we all know that they are hiding something.

50. The drunk: this person is a mix of things, and to be honest, all these drunks are the drunk. The drunk doesn’t understand moderation, their mood and personality has changed, their inhibitions are lowered, their vision is effed, they can’t walk or talk… time to get your stomach pumped and put you on bed rest for a few days, because you are not going to recover like you did when you were a freshmen.

This is a fairly comprehensive list, but it is not a complete list. Let me know of other drunks that you have encountered. AWARENESS IS KEY!

❤ Court

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