Drunk Friends: Part One

Over the past weekend I went to and worked at one of the best music festivals in the country: WEFest. It is the biggest country music festival in the midwest and has been around for over 30  years. I have worked as a beer pourer over the past few years, so I believe that through the hundreds of thousands of drunk people I have encountered, that I have established a decent degree of knowledge in the types of drunk friends that you can encounter. Here is my list of drunk friends:

  1. The loud drunk: this is that shouty person of the group, and everyone knows they are around simply because they insist on making the most noise.
  2. The sad drunk: #Buzzkill! this person always has a sob story when they are drunk and their world is always ending… this person will not rest until they are comforted or have other people crying with them, creating a sob-fest that is sure to ruin any party.
  3. The giggly drunk: everything is funny, and I mean EVERYTHING. You sneeze, they laugh, you breathe, they laugh, your dog died, they laugh… while this person is better than the sad drunk because they create a positive vibe they  are also annoying as hell.
  4. The glazed drunk: if you have been around drunk people ever, you have seen this person. This is the person who just stares at nothing, makes no sound, and forgets how to blink… rather unnerving.
  5. The mean drunk: the name explains itself. They are just rude, disrespectful, and forget the meaning of friendship. They are not to be confused with the loud drunk, because they can also whisper insults, or quietly spread hate through the house, or they can yell and make you feel completely awful, just because they are drunk. When they sober up, it usually comes with an apology if they can even remember.
  6. The flirty drunk: this is the person who gets everyone’s number but never calls. They crave attention and love little signs of affection and/or want, but they do not want a true love to be found at a bar. Use this tactic to get a free drink every now and then.
  7. The whore drunk: amplify the flirty drunk. This is the person fixing to find themselves someone to take them home tonight. They forget their BF/GF, and just get nasty whenever the opportunity presents itself.
  8. The quiet drunk: This is the person who becomes exceptionally introverted when they drink. They tend to sit at the bar alone, or in a corner at a house party.
  9. The sick drunk: we all have this friend. They puke every time they drink. GET IT TOGETHER. Learn your limit. You are a burden on society. This person throws up every time you go out… Let’s face it. We have actually all been this friend, and it sucks, but if you are consistently this friend a) you have a problem and b) you are a crappy friend.
  10. The one-and-done friend (aka the cheap date): this person has one drink and they are already drunk. I do not know how this happens, but for some people it just works to have a sip and poof they are a mess. While this is cost effective, it is also frustrating because then everyone else has to take care of this person for the rest of the night.
  11. The invincible drunk: this idiot thinks they are superman in a world without kryptonite. They put their head through walls, try to lift cars, break glass in their bare hands, pick a fight with someone twice as large as them… nothing can stop them except for passing out or the police.
  12. The bro drunk: First things first, you do not have to be a guy to be a bro drunk, I become a bro drunk a lot of the time. This is the person that comes into the night with this night having the potential to be the best night ever. They have also sorts of ideas for “cool things” they should go do. It usually ends up being stupid, someone might for to jail, you might shoot a firework at someone’s house (Sorry, Wayne. IT WASN’T ME), or their idea really just isn’t that cool. Sliding down the stairs with no shirt on just ends up with you having carpet burns all over your chest. This person also makes up lots of handshakes.
  13. The “I’m not that drunk” drunk: LIAR. This person has “only had like two drinks” and will be the first of your friends to get a DUI or a DWI. They are a moron. Take their keys now because they will lie to you later on.
  14. The gambling drunk: I bet you can or cannot do something…. That is usually how this person starts the night. They ask people for money if they do something banking on that people don’t believe they are truly that stupid, but guess what! THEY ARE THAT STUPID. If you make a bet with this person you deserve to lose your money because you are stupid to not believe that alcohol will not make this gambling addict it to a complete moron.
  15. The slurred drunk: slurred words and probably drool involved. Do not try to understand them, just give them water and send them to bed.
  16. The homesick drunk: BUT I WANNA GO HOOOOOOMMMMMMEE. We just got here, so SHUT UP. This person probably got drunk too fast, or didn’t drink at all, either way they are about to annoy you until you go home. Lock them in a room or something.
  17. The lost drunk: this person has no idea where they are even in their own home. They are past the point of no return. You are forced to reassure them of where you are and that they are okay all night until they pass out or sober up.
  18. The running drunk: this is me. I run when I get drunk. This person is a mix of invincible drunk and bro drunk. For some reason they have got it into their minds that it would be such a good idea to run right now. Do not try to chase this person down. You will just get sweaty and tired. Just get on their computer and track their iPhone. You will find them eventually. Be careful though, because running drunk can quickly turn in to the next drunk…
  19. The hiding drunk: no one wants Houdini as a friend. This person manages to hide anywhere, and can probably pass out there too if not found before the depressant effects of alcohol kick in. They are the first person lost at a party, and usually show up right before it is time to leave if they want to go home at the end of the night.
  20. The pranking drunk: cousin of the bro drunk, this person usually decides that a prank is in order. Their ideas are at someone else’s expense. This is a good person to keep on your side, because while they make prank you, it will not be malicious in nature, but if they hate you… you’re screwed. you are going to end up with fecal matter somewhere either on you, your house, your car, or your belongings. They have no boundaries and will not stop until the police are called.
  21. The storytelling drunk: “This one time me and a buddy of mine…” They always have some new bullshit to tell you about… while this person is usually a good person, they will always one-up your stories because they have the best stories, and have lived the most life whether or not you agree with this person.
  22. The squealing drunk: Usually a white girl, they always squeal; cousin to the giggly drunk. Their BFF showed up? SQUEAL. Their BF showed up? SQUEAL. Someone that they don’t know but has a really cute outfit on? SQUEAL. The are overly excited, usually chase you down for a hug and OMG it has been TOO LONG. Resist the urge to smack.
  23. The sitting drunk: This person NEEDS to sit down. Standing is just too hard, and legs will only lead to more problems, so they sit down, wherever, whenever. This is usually because of the following drunk:
  24. The spinning drunk: (mother to the spinning and sick drunk) the world is spinning, and this person knows it. They can feel the earth whip through time and space and it is not a good feeling. Just let this person spin it out, there is nothing you can do to save them besides get them a water. Sitting may help, but then they could turn into the sick drunk.
  25. The “I forgot to eat” drunk: twin to the one-and-done drunk, this person didn’t eat all day and are now drinking on an empty stomach. Unlike the one-and-done drunk this person usually can hold there own, but soon after their first beer they realized that they haven’t eaten. Either they will continue down the road of quick-drunkenness, or they may become the next drunk…

The next drunk and many more will be in Drunk Friends: Part Two.

Thanks for reading, and sound off in the comments below if you or someone you know can relate!

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