How to annoy your boyfriend:

I am really good at annoying my boyfriend. When I say really good, I mean he will end up wanting to put me in a basket hold, and he may try, but I will just end up making him give me kisses only to be back at my antics moments later.

• Cold feet: I always put my cold feet (or hands) on him and say “HEAT TAX! YOU HAVE TOO MUCH, SO WE ARE IMPLEMENTING HEAT DISTRIBUTION NOW!” And yes, I yell it at him.
• When he is on his phone and I am sitting or lying next to him I put my greasy face on his phone.
• Once he farted next to me in bed, so when I had to fart 20 minutes later I put my butt against him and farted on him. His fart smelled way worse than mine did, but making him feel my fart… that’s what did it.
• I frequently yell “PAY ATTENTION TO ME.”
• I have gotten all of my family and friends to start calling him commie-scum.
• I am an over-planner and I put all of my anxiety on him when plans are not made, or there is no structure to the day. I made him plan out what he wanted to do for his birthday and then walk me through it… he can fly by the seat of his pants, but I cannot so I force him to plan things or deal with my anxiety.
• I point at his feet and tell him how gross they are and make gagging noises.
• I complain about how Minnesotan he is…
• I criticize his driving.
• When we are wrestling and I know I am losing I fake cry and call him out for beating me up when I am a lady, only for him to let go and for me to sucker punch him.
• I make fun of how many Super Bowl rings his teams has: GOOSE EGGS.
• I constantly remind him, even before a season begins, that “there is always next year.”
• I complain constantly in his truck about the temperature, his speed, why it is taking so long…
• I partner with his mom to tag team annoying him with our conservative viewpoints.
• I wake him up when we sleep next to each other.
• I make him watch reality TV shows, chick flicks, and other terrible things and when he tries to just read reddit on his phonRRee I once again put my face on his phone for attention.
• I grab his butt at the grocery store. He gets so red and swats my hand away which makes me want to grab it again.
• I will sneak attack smack his butt. To be fair, he started this war, I am just firing more often at this point.
• I make fun of his love for ultimate Frisbee (too which he makes some snide comment about rugby, but he secretly loves rugby… I know it)
• I get my family to make him uncomfortable by asking him about religion, politics, our relationship, marriage, when my parents will get grandbabies… no topic is off limits.
• When we play Cards Against Humanity I make sure to call him out in some way just for my own shits and giggles.
• I steal the blankets in the middle of the night. We make a two blanket policy early on in our relationship where we each get our own blanket, but in the middle of the night, if I wake up to pee, upon my return to bed I make a conscious effort to steal his blanket too, just because it is funny to me.
• I talk in different accents out in public just for people to look at us like “wtf?”
• My go to “pet name” is BABE. And I have to yell it or say it in some obnoxious way because like I said I need attention.
• I bowled gutters when he left me alone at the bowling alley. It was when we first started seeing each other and he almost left me because of this. He apparently is quite serious about bowling which I should have known when he brought his own ball. I honestly got really nervous because he is cute and I liked him at the time, so I panicked that night and apologized a lot. But now I know what annoys him the most! Eh-heh-hheehhhh.
• I hip-check him whenever I get the chance.
• I give him panic attacks when I drive because I am a speed-demon and a weaver and an angsty tail-gating jerk.
• I frequently leave stuff at his house.
• I make his pets like me more. Actually I do this to a lot of people, even my own siblings. I love animals, and they love me. Except rodents. I just can’t do it with them…
• I outshine him at weddings with my mad line-dancing skills.
• I am so indecisive when it comes to what to get for food, so I have him choose, and then tell him that I don’t like his choices.
• I ask him if he thinks I look fat and then stare at him with huge, serial killer eyes making him aware this is a trap, because if I think I look fat, and he lies to me, I yell at him, but if I think I look good and he pauses, I yell… basically I reject any response he gives me.
• When I beat him at something I tell all of his friends.
• I make up rules during games just so he will lose.
• I complain about the agony my babybox puts me in, and if he tries to change the subject I yell at him, giving him graphic details about how my uterus is a monster that will kill us all.
• I leave hair clips, pins, ponytails and the sort everywhere.
• I left a bracelet in his car for so long attaching it to random things that he finally THREW IT AWAY! Yeah, I said I didn’t care about it or even like it really, but still… rude. So of course I got mad about him tossing it.
• I refuse to learn how things work. If he knows how to work it, why should I?
• I constantly over pack for trips.
• He hates country music. What are we doing this weekend? Working at the best country music festival in the Midwest! (WEFest)
• I hate that yelling rock music, so whenever he puts it on I complain until it has changed.
• I have dutch-ovened him in the car by locking all the windows while I am driving.
• My boyfriend is a problem-solver, but sometimes I just want to whine about things, so when he tries to “fix it” I get irrationally upset with him and tell him he doesn’t understand.
• I constantly ask him if he still loves me or if he would love me if I would do this or that…
• I tell him that he has to do stuff, because he loves me.
• I make him go into Build-a-Bear with me, and make little creatures.
• I have been known to start talking in my “wiener-dog voice” (that is typically reserved for my dog) to him in public.
• I panic when it seems like we are late, and make me anxious through my own radiating anxiety.

This list goes on and on, because I am a neurotic human being. Through all this crap that I do though he still loves me and spends time with me. The fact that he puts up with me on a day to day basis just proves time and time again how great of a guy he is, because I am not an easy person to get along with at all. As I started writing this list I was thinking that this would be a fun way to annoy him yet again, but instead I was confronted with the fact that he is a wonderful human being for dealing with all my crazy antics.

Note to self: be nicer so he stays around.

❤ Court