I, like much of the world, need caffeine in order to be a functioning adult.
Mornings are the worst. I have to get out of my cocoon of comfort and leave my little wiener dog there crying, begging for his mom to return to bed. Then I have to learn how to walk again every single day. This is followed by turning into Velma from Scooby-Doo scouring the room for my glasses, because it is only logical that I put my glasses in the same place twice. Once I have become less blind, I finally leave my room for the bathroom where I ponder exactly when my acne will leave my face. I usually put my hair up and go… good enough!
This is when the real struggle begins.
Why do I have so many clothes and nothing to wear!? Every day this is a problem. Once I have gotten my shit together I go out into the kitchen and realize that I still have to make something with some fraction of nutritional value. I hate breakfast. When I wake up my stomach may be hungry but my mind and the rest of my body just need caffeine. I don’t have time to cook eggs because I hit the snooze button as many times and “responsibly” possible. My toaster is crap. Cereal is just too much in the morning, plus then I am going to be bloated all day. Oh look, yogurt, let me grab that, and now it is time for work.
I get to work, drop off everything at my desk and make myself a cup of caffeine. If I drink tea once during the day, I end up drinking it all day for a consistent stream of caffeine to my veins and brains. If I get coffee it starts with one cup and then around 2pm I crash and find myself drooling, so I make my way back to the coffee pot and pray that someone refilled it during the day. If I have to make another pot I go through all the stages of grief in the five minute time frame that the coffee machine takes to brew another pot.
1. Denial: No, I can still get coffee from the bottom of the pot.
2. Anger: WHO WAS THE DILLHOLE THAT DRANK THE LAST CUP AND DID NOT REFILL IT!?
3. Bargaining: I will quit my addiction to caffeine if someone will just give me my last cup of coffee now.
4. Depression: This is the worst. Why does this always happen to me?
5. Acceptance: OMG. It is almost done brewing. I will survive! I WILL LIVE.
I have decided in the redesign of my bedroom I will also be making room for my Keurig with the time set to make me coffee every morning. This will help me on my continued path of laziness & excellence. Plus, living in the arctic circle known as MN, the only way I can currently get Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is through my Keurig, and let’s all be honest: America Runs On Dunkin’ and I am an American! (Though I have been known to bend the rules for an Iced Soy Chai Latte from Starbucks every now and then)
So cheers! Cheers to those who jump when they look in the mirror every morning. Cheers to those who are not morning people. Cheers to the sleep deprived. Cheers to those who will bite someone’s head off if they stand in the way of their caffeine dependency. Most of all, cheers to anyone with a cup of coffee or tea in their hands at this very moment. I am right there with you.
One cream, two sugars.